Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize