make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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