The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
