Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
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please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
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There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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