I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
