im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
