i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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