did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
