We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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