im six kinds of drunk right now
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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