if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
