I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
