I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.