God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
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The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
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It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.