Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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