I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
