Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
