i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
