dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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