The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
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