Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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