I think i peed on brittanys purse
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm like, not good at living.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
