First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
