i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
We need to get me chipped asap
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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