I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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