God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
