you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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