If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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