The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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