my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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