someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
