census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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