Duck Duck Cougar?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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