No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
