Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
