I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
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worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
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It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes