your thong is hanging out like whoa
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
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The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
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A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes