she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.