she looked like the before picture.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
