just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Randomize
