history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
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I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
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If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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