her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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