Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
