her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
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