when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
