I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
