Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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