He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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