as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
