the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
