Can i not drive my cunt home
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
