My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He? As in you personified your dick?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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