I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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