My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
