Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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