Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
