She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
