if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
