walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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