i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
