Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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