The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
