My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
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I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
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The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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