question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
