I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
