really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
